Bumbling Science
by PyromaniacSchizophrenic
Summary: Matsuda messes up. L has to help. Might be slight OOC. NO SLASH.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. I wish I did, L would never have died if I did.**

"Matsuda, you idiot."

"I'm sorry!" the aforementioned idiot wailed. The detective stared at him.

L was not happy. Matsuda had overheard him and Light discussing suspects. One of whom worked in a clinic. So the officer went to investigate. And got caught. And came up with a cover.

But that's not what bothered him. It was the cover itself. Because now, Matsuda had to learn everything about the digestive system in less than 24 hours.

A long stretch of silence passed before Matsuda worked up the nerve to speak again.

"Ryuuzaki… I'm really sorry. It's just…"

"Shut up. I will help you." L stood and looked at him. "Of course, Light will help as well."

Light jumped.

"Why me?" he asked.

In answer, L held up his hand.

_Oh yeah. Handcuffs._

~o.O.o~

"Digestion starts in the mouth. This is the beginning of the alimentary canal. Teeth masticate the food to physically break it down while salivary glands aid in chemically breaking it down. The two work together to create a bolus. Are you with me this far?"

Matsuda stared at the detective. _Is he serious? No-one's with him. What on earth did he just say?_

"What's the alinem- the almint- the alimena- the-"

"The alimentary canal," L corrected. "It's approximately 30 feet long. It travels from the mouth to the anus."

"The what?"

L was seriously tempted to kill him. Light leaned over and whispered something in Matsuda's ear. He looked down, his face flushed red.

"Oh."

L sighed. _Matsuda baka._

"Do you know the basics of digestion?" he asked, thinking it best to backtrack to see just how much he needed to know.

"Yeah, you eat and get vitamins and stuff," he said.

"Actually, it's a process in which complex, solid foods are-"

"Yeah, Matsuda," interjected Light.

L stared at Light. He had interrupted him. That was unacceptable. But he would worry about that later.

"Imagine it as a piece of Ryuuzaki's cake," Light continued. "His teeth and spit work together to break it down."

"Oh. But what's a bolus?"

"The pile of chewed up food."

L got annoyed and hit both men on the head with a stack of papers that was conveniently placed on the table next to him.

"now, the tongue pushes the bolus into the esophagus and past the uvula, before passing through the cardiac sphincter into the stomach, where hydrochloric acid further breaks down the bolus," he continued, as if none of the interruptions had taken place.

"Uhh… Light?" Matsuda turned to the brown-haired youth.

"Well, I know the uvula is the little flappy thing in the back of the throat, but he lost me at the cardiac thing."

It was at Light's comment that L realized his mistake. He was used to teaching the children at Whammy's House. But they were brilliant. Matsuda was… not.

"The top portion of the stomach is called the cardiac due to its relation to the heart," L explained. "The cardiac sphincter is a muscle that opens to allow food into the stomach then closes to prevent the food and acid from rising and creating the sensation of heartburn."

"What's the problem with the acid?" he asked.

"It's a combination of hydrogen and-" _Dumb it down,_ he reminded himself. "It's a strong acid."

"Okay. I think I get it."

"The stomach churns and grinds the bolus into chyme, before letting it pass through the pyloric sphincter a little at a time." _Please get it. Please get it. Please-_

"The what passes through the what?"

_Of course not._

"Chyme is a somewhat-liquid substance. The pyloric sphincter is located at the bottom of the stomach, and holds a purpose similar to the-"

"As the cardiac sphincter!" Matsuda exclaimed excitedly.

_So he's not overly stupid,_ L thought. _Who knew?_

"Yes. Now, before we continue, I think it best that you understand the medical terms ahead of time."

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea," Matsuda conceded, scratching the back of his neck.

"The small intestine is divided into three sections: the duodenum, the jejunum, and the ileum. All in all, if stretched out, it would measure approximately, oh, I'd say about 21 feet."

"Huh? Then why's it called the small intestine?"

"It's bunched together, making it smaller in diameter."

"Oh."

"Now, the pyloric sphincter opens into the duodenum. As I mentioned before, this is a gradual process. In fact, it can anywhere between two and four hours."

"Is that why you don't feel full for a few hours after you eat?" Matsuda asked.

"Yes, I suppose it is. Now, the duodenum is approximately 12 inches in length, and then the chyme passes into the jejunum, which is eight feet."

"So then the rest of the length is the ileum?" Matsuda questioned.

"Yes. Now, the small intestine absorbs the vitamins and nutrients and passes them to blood and body cells." L paused and looked up. Matsuda was processing this new information, and Light was… asleep.

_Well, that explains the lax on the chain._

"Okay. Then what?" Matsuda said finally.

"What's left passes to the large intestine, also called the colon. It enters through the cecum, then passes through the ascending, transcending, and descending colon. After that, it-"

"Uhh, Ryuuzaki? You kind of lost me again," Matsuda interrupted.

"Cecum is down here," L said, placing his hand over the lower right side of his abdomen. "Ascending," he trailed his hand up a ways, "transcending," across to the other side, "and descending," he trailed his hand down.

"Okay."

"In this time, all water is absorbed into the bloodstream. All remaining substance is passed through the rectum and out the-"

"The what?" Matsuda interrupted.

_I'm not telling him that._

"And out the anus as waste," L concluded.

"But what's the- oh. Never mind."

_He got it. Good._ L sent up a silent thanks to God. The real God, not the psycho-killer with a god complex.

"Do you understand everything?" L asked, just to be sure.

"Yeah. Just, one more question."

"What?"

"How does it do all that? I mean, it can't always be gravity."

"Peristalsis. It's a wavelike motion that pushes the food along the alimentary canal."

"Okay. Thanks. And I'm really sorry, Ryuuzaki."

"It is quite alright. Just don't do it again. Good night, Matsuda."

"Good night."

~o.O.o~

_3 weeks later_

"Uhh… Ryuuzaki? Could you help me? I need to learn as much as possible about nutrition."

L almost smushed his strawberry shortcake in Matsuda's face. _Almost._

**AN: Hehehehe. If this gets enough reviews, I'll continue it. This was an assignment for my Allied Health class, which is why there are so many big words (although it is funnier to confuse Matsuda). This is my first Death Note fic, so don't flame too much.**


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